Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

Today, we are wrapping up our last three themes of the year with our final ‘Relate’ episode, where we will dive a little deeper into the relationship between the three previous themes, which were Order & Chaos, Perspectives, and Change.

Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Sergej van Middendorp, a CMM Institute Steward and a parent to two adult children. Sergej, thank you for joining me.

Sergej: Yeah, thanks for the invitation.

Abbie: I’m really glad to have you here for this very last episode of the podcast, the 52nd episode, wrapping up our wonderful year together.

As you know, today we’re going to do our best to bring together the three themes that we have just covered over the past three months, and that is Order & Chaos, Perspectives, and Change.

Particularly, I’m really excited to have you here for this conversation because you’ve been such an incredible teacher to me around metaphors in general- first of all, I think that’s a wonderful strength of yours. I know you’re particularly partial to metaphors of jazz that help us understand improvisation. And my hope is that that’s been a through line throughout this whole year that parenting is improvising in a way. You can build up a really rich tool belt of resources. And you will never know what’s coming and we will never know what’s coming. So we couldn’t possibly, you know, have told you in any of these episodes. So it’s about feeling confident improvising, feeling like you can improvise well into any situation as a parent.

I’m particularly interested to hear what you have to say about the improvisation involved in all of this today. But let’s start very broad. And I will ask you, Sergej, what do you see the relationship being between these last three themes- Order and Chaos, Perspectives, and Change?

Sergej: Yeah, that’s a great question in its own right, especially in the context of parenting. One way to answer the question is to say the relationship between these things is complexity. That’s at least one way to also theoretically look at it.

We won’t go into that too far, but for example, Dave Snowden’s Cynefin framework offers these domains where order and- what he calls disorder- and chaos in his language is part of disorder. But complexity is also part of disorder in his language.

And these are two qualities, he would say, of disorder. Change, if we bring change into the equation, is metaphorically, especially parenting, like a constant, like a background.

Because children grow, situations happen, situations in which humans interact and co-create something. And Snowden, to quote him again, would say that’s “inherently complex” or “naturally complex.”

However, the perspective of someone who has seen a lot of changes over the course of bringing up a kid, for example, like we have two adult children, you start to see patterns, you start to see order in the complexity. And the way an experienced perspective effective might then act is to start to try and respond automatically or non-consciously as in a best practice, right?

If this, then that.

However, that’s a major pitfall because if it’s true that human interaction is inherently complex, we are better served by understanding order in the context of complexity as a ‘minimal structure’ as just improvisers might say. Yes, there is order even in a complexity however that order is integrated in to us acting into that moment of parenting or acting into that episode of parenting or this longer period of a child’s development like adolescence for example. Yeah, that’s my first take

Abbie: I really appreciate that perspective. And as you’re speaking, and I’m thinking about the other language that came to me is that I think all three of these things, particularly the chaos part of order and chaos, perspectives that are different from your own, change that is maybe unexpected or unwanted can feel like threats.

And so I think that maybe something to focus on for all three of these themes together is that it’s less about what is happening and more about how you are equipped to respond to it.

Because there’s such a, I think, scarcity mindset is something that a lot of people- and people who are parenting are kind of backed into a corner with it- they feel that they’re- obviously you’re parenting- your role is one of protection in many ways. Your role is one of creating a sense of safety or of certainty. You might be tempted to try to do that as a parent. And I’m just thinking about how we react and how we’re often not at our best or not able to be very curious or not able to be very relational when we’re feeling threatened.

And so what I would invite people to think about with these three themes is to say, what if I didn’t see a different perspective… What if I didn’t see change that was happening in my life… What if I didn’t see chaos when I was wishing there was order… as a threat, but as something to be embraced?

Like we talked about at that last order and chaos episode with Don, what if you actually embrace this? Not because you’re happy it’s happening, but because you recognize that maybe you can’t undo it and this is a part of life.

And so then it becomes about how are you acting into it?

Sergej: Yeah, that’s a great way of continuing the conversation. It evokes in me this idea of the way you frame safety. I would add to that that, for example, safety can be seen as an embodied phenomenon in the sense of Polyvagal Theory, for example, has this concept of safety.

And if our nervous system, which is continuously sensing in the environment, mostly non-consciously, if the situation is safe and responds to perceived threats.

New situations can also be seen as perceived threats. However, if a child grows up and you want to offer possibility for learning while maintaining safety for the child, first of all, I think it’s important that the situation affords you as a parent to feel safe in your body.

And if that is not the case, whatever you try to convey in terms of space for learning will feel non-consciously as unsafe for the child.

Abbie: Yeah.

Sergej: So it takes practice, I guess, to start really feeling safe, letting your children experiment, learn, maybe even fall or hurt themselves in a certain way, which is still safe, if you can see it in a larger context of growing. But practice, I think, then becomes a keyword. Can you really feel safe? Can you co-regulate each other as parents to actually convey safety in your being, including your communication, when you afford your child to learn and try things themselves?

Does that make sense?

Abbie: It absolutely does. And I appreciate you bringing us back to this theme that’s, I think for me at least, cropped up in a number of episodes, which is parenting is about the person who’s parenting as much as it is about the child.

And that modeling, I think, is something that’s come up again and again, that it’s even as we go through these practices or strategies with Stephanie month to month that maybe she, when she first shared them, were intended to, oh, this is something you can offer your child to do because that’s how she uses them in the classroom with the students, the children she works with.

And so many of them, I’ve found myself walking away from those conversations being like, oh, that’s a great practice for me. I’m going to remember that. Or that would be great for the parent to do as they invite the child to do it as well and to expand their perspectives and their toolbox in that way that it’s a tool for both and it’s related.

And so you can’t, like you’re saying, you can’t successfully offer your child a sense of safety if you’re not also working on your own sense of physical, emotional, mental safety, that enables you to interact.

And again, go back to the idea of like improvising well, because we’ve talked about the language of regulation and dysregulation with Stephanie previously.

And so we talked about what’s possible when you’re in each of those states. And, yeah, there’s so much here. And I, you know, I’m feeling myself kind of at a loss as we’re in the very last episode of this year.

And there’s always more to say. And so it always, I think, is going to feel a little incomplete. And I’m going to try to make my peace with leaving it at that and trusting that, you know, this is a podcast that’s always going to be out there. People can always return to it.

And also, hopefully, it just sparks more and more conversations. And now that you have this language that we’ve been offering throughout the year, now that you have some tools, some different things to try on some different ways to, you know, imagine what your parenting world can look like, go forth with confidence, you know, and just try and improvise and, you know, jam together.

And so I think that’s, that’s what I’m walking away with and hoping to leave people with. Before I wrap us up, Sergej, is there any last words you would like to leave people with as they walk away from this year of a podcast?

Sergej: Well, I know how rich the conversation is over the year with given these conversation partners and all they bring to their parenting and to our community.

And there’s so much to explore there that it is a complex learning experience in its own right. And I’d say take some of these ideas and practice and reflect.

And that action-reflection cycle itself, trying these ‘minimal structures’ and revisiting those episodes and then seeing how it works out or how it plays out is the fun of parenting, I would say. I’ve certainly seen so myself in our relationship, in our family.

Abbie: Yeah, I love that. Thanks for leaving us with that, Sergej. Thank you so much for joining me today. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too, today and this entire year. Don’t forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other free resources in the series, including CosmoKidz, CosmoTweenz, CosmoTeenz, and this CosmoParenting podcast will live on that site forever as well. So something you can always return to.

And the conversation doesn’t stop just because the episodes will stop coming out weekly. You can always comment on these episodes and return to them if you want to be in conversation with this community and we are always learning together.

So thank you again. We’re so grateful to have been on this journey with you. And that is it for us and CosmoParenting.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Communicate’ episode, in which the fourth episode of each month we will wrap up our theme by offering some ideas for communicating with your children, co-parents, or whoever else might be a part of your parenting, to start having conversations about the things you are learning here. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined for the last time by Don Waisanen, who is a father, a professor, consultant, author, and improviser. Hello, Don. Thanks for joining me for this last conversation together.

Don: Thanks, Abbie. Good to be back again.

Abbie: Today, we're talking about change, and I think it's a fitting last theme for us to leave people with as life will only continue to change from here.

Last week, Stephanie talked about a strategy that has really stuck with me: the ‘Three C Strategy’- how is our thinking confirmed, challenged, or changed is what she offered. And I think that's such a great, very simple sounding practice for us to be reflecting with. So with that in mind, I'm curious what you would add to the conversation we're having around change.

Don: Yeah, this is really pronounced in my life right now because my 13 year old, especially, his voice is dropping by the day. So it's constant change. I think there's a really interesting balance when it comes to parenting, watching your kids grow and change.

And I think one of the most productive perspectives we can take on this comes from the work of Cathy Salit and Lois Holzman. They talk a lot about putting ourselves in places between being and becoming, where we need to recognize not only our strengths as individuals as we grow, but also who are we not yet? What performances need to be had? What are new selves and new identities that we could aim for?

And just like learning to ride a bike, when you get on the bike, the state of being is you don't know how to ride a bike, but you just pedal and you go lopsided a little bit and you make your way through. And then the next thing you know, you performed your way into a new role. And that's all of life.

There's always room for growth and change. And I just watch this with my kids and I think, I know there's a lot that's said about growth mindset and fixed mindset, but there really is a lot to that, that kids very easily get into a fixed mindset about a lot of things.

And I think over time, I've just seen a major role of parenting being constantly pointing toward the becoming aspect of being a kid. First of all, validating their strengths and saying, you're great and you are valuable and affirming their humanity.

But then also saying on top of that, look at all these exciting ways to stretch and grow these different identities that we can each play. And I love that movies, frankly, like Inside Out have have brought that into a lot of the public consciousness.

Abbie: Yeah, right.

Don: It gives you those kinds of things, give you a great resource for talking about these things. Like, oh, you know, like Internal Family Systems therapy, which is all about there's different parts of ourselves that come to the fore or get submerged and, oh, right now our feeling angry- that seems to be in central control, you know, but there's a core self beneath that that is compassionate, caring, that has character. There's integrity there. I know that's there. You've done that so many times, you know.

So I think thinking a lot about the language and the discourse we use to talk with our kids about this stuff is worth every parent's full attention at some point. It makes a big difference.

Abbie: This is the theme that makes me think about resilience and how you could foster that in children. I think about change as something that can be really scary and really disorienting if you're not equipped to navigate it, if you're not taught to expect change, if you're not modeled this growth mindset that you've talked about.

Don: Yeah, and I think that resilience has to do with contexts a lot. Learning to work with different contexts is huge because if we think about it, our kids are often in very small, limited social worlds. When I when I hear my six year old or nine year old talk about what's happening at school, I love it, frankly… This is going on. There's a concert next week. And oh, there's a pizza thing. Oh, and can we go to Chipotle tonight? Because there's a fundraiser. It's all about what's happening at school.

Abbie: Yeah.

Don: … all the little events and things that they're excited about. But it also shows like they're in these very limited worlds where everything seems so important and right. And I often have to say to my kids, it's like, well, the school is one context, but there's others. And let's zoom out. What would a bigger picture on this look like?

So my favorite thing on all of this ever, if anybody listening has never seen this, it's worth your time. Go on to YouTube, put in “pale blue dot.” And watch the I think it's a two or three minute video from Carl Sagan. I think it's near the end of Carl Sagan's life. He did this video where he showed Earth. It was all zoomed in on Earth and the context of what was happening on Earth. And the whole video just zooms out to the rest of the universe till you see nothing in the distance but the pale blue dot. And there you can barely see it at all. And Sagan says, you know, think of all that human beings did they thought was so important. All the wars, all the, our economic system, all the talk about this is the most important thing in time in history. And then you zoom out to that pale blue dot.

Now, what does that level of context make you think and see? And I'm doing an imperfect job, but as a parent that's one thing I can help pass on to my kids- when changes happen, zoom out, get a higher level context.

Abbie: Yeah, I think that's such a great thing to leave people with about change. And just as we are wrapping up this month, and this year of the CosmoParenting podcast, I just want to give you one more opportunity- is there anything else you'd want to leave people with?

Don: A few things. One is just to try new performances and experiment. Do things you haven't done before. We talked about raising and lowering status. Give that a shot and take stock. Do I usually play high status with my kids? Do I play low status? Do the opposite. Play around a little bit.

And I think the second thing is just that structures can really help. We- you and I- talked about order and chaos and things like that, but putting in a weekly Sunday night dinner where we have this four part structure every single week. It's a ritual.

What was good from your week here?

Let's talk about what's going to happen this week.

Anybody have any concerns, any problems or challenges we should talk about as a family?

And then last thing, we're going to play a game.

Just rituals. I've found structures do so much work in maintaining a family structure, offering spaces for kids to communicate and collaborate with parents. Otherwise, a lot of parenting just seems like everything is happening… It's all reactive. So I think those are two things: new performances and adding some structures to where we can improvise our way through parenting and family life or caretaking, whatever it is, we can do those well, are really important.

And then the last thing, what we just talked about, zoom out. Zoom out to higher level contexts when possible, because when everyone's flooded and dysregulated and yes, that really is what happens with dysregulation. It's all about the now. Very little sense of past or future or larger contexts at play.

So accessing higher level contexts, zooming out for big, bigger picture. I think that's really critical too. Boy, do I need all of those things? Just me, myself. Yes.

So, to bring it to the level of parenting, I think it's only heightened.

Abbie: Yeah. Well, I'm really happy with what's kind of emerged over the course of all these episodes we've done together because the title of the week four episode each month is communicate. And there might be some people having listened to these episodes saying, hey, where are you telling me the words that I'm supposed to say? I'm not hearing any of that.

And so I think by now people will get the sense of what you just kind of touched on, that when we're talking about communication, it's about the space we're creating to act into. It's more than just the words we say.

So when we're talking about communicating around parenting, it's in your behavior. It's in those non-verbals. It's in the modeling that you do. And so I really hope that people feel like what they're taking away is this kind of, you know, we've talked about it like a toolbox, this kind of whole picture of now I have all these great resources that I'm practicing, I'm playing with, that you're improvising together. You're using all the tools that you just talked about.

So thank you so much, Don, for everything this year and this CosmoParenting.

Don: Thanks. This has been really great.

Abbie: Great. And thank you so much to everyone who's listening and has listened through this whole year. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for all our other free resources in the series. And please comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We are so grateful to have been on this journey with you. And we will look forward to joining you for one final episode next week as we wrap up CosmoParenting.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

This is our ‘Animate’ episode, where we offer some strategies to integrate into parenting so you can bring to life the things we talk about here on the podcast. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined for the last time by gifted educator Stephanie Higgs, to offer us a final best practice from a teacher’s perspective. Hi, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hello, Abbie.

Abbie: So, Stephanie, this is our last month and our last theme and we have been discussing change. What’s the strategy you are offering for us?

Stephanie: Okay, so, perhaps by now you’ve learned that every strategy I share is one of my favorites, but this truly is- I know I say this every month, Abbie- but this truly is one of my favorites! But, I guess, the joke here is that I have carefully curated this list of my top 12 strategies to share with you this year.

The strategy I’m sharing with you today is from a teacher resource called “Nonfiction Notice and Note.” In the teacher world, we use this strategy and it helps our students self-reflect and annotate to foster deeper reading comprehension. But, I find this strategy helps develop reflective practitioners in all aspects of life. This is the ‘Three C Strategy.’ We are going to ask ourselves how our thinking was confirmed, challenged, and changed as a result of our experiences, our conversations, and our continued learning. To be in time is to change. To grow is to change. And I think this is a great way for us to reflect and provide a culminating experience on our year here together. 

I invite you to think about how your thinking and daily practices as a parent and caregiver were confirmed, challenged, and changed through the CosmoParenting podcast. Our greatest hope is that you will have numerous responses for all three of those prompts!

One of our biggest goals is to celebrate! We hope we confirmed that you are doing an incredible job in what might be the hardest, most challenging, charge of your lifetime. We hope you were also inspired by stories, strategies, prompts, that we share each month and that perhaps positive changes were evoked as part of this process. And we hope that you have been challenged- whether you changed or stayed the same- and engaged in meaningful reflection and conversations that help you continue to parent intentionally. 

Abbie: Yes, Stephanie! That is so beautiful to bring it full circle to be about our time together over the course of this podcast. This is an especially great strategy to add to your toolbox and pull out periodically to check in since we are always evolving and growing. I think it can be really meaningful to use this strategy to take stock of where you have been and where you are going. So, thank you for sharing this last strategy with us. Thank you for all the strategies you've shared with us. And thanks for joining me and being a part of this podcast with me.

Stephanie: Of course! More than anything, I just hope everyone will leave encouraged. This is the most important work that any of you will probably be charged to do in this lifetime. And it's the responsibility of a lifetime. So hoping that more than anything, we provided encouragement as well as maybe a few new perspectives or ideas.

Abbie: Me too. I think that’s a great way to end it. So, thank you everyone for listening in and joining us. You can connect with Stephanie on Instagram @littlemissgifted and you can check out our other CosmoActivities and additional resources at www.cosmoactivities.com. We are so grateful to have been on this journey with you. And we will see you next week for the final episode of the month where we will talk communication on the theme of change. 

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Validate’ episode, where in the second episode of each month we hear a parenting story, with the hope that sharing the first hand experiences of others who are parenting can make you feel seen and validated in your own experiences. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by James and Jen. Hi, James and Jen.

James: Hey, Abbie.

Jen: Hi, Abbie.

Abbie: Thanks for joining me. And today we are talking about change, as you know. And what we've said about change so far is that change is necessary for growth and that change is inevitable. So with that in mind, would you please share with us your story about change?

Jen: Sure. So we have parented through foster care previously, and change is a huge part of parenting through foster care- for both us and for the kids who are in our care. So starting with the first phone call that you get that, you know, there are children who need somewhere to stay, would you be willing? Right?

Abbie: Mmhmm.

Jen: So that change becomes immediate when our first set of foster children were a brother and sister, a seven-year-old girl and almost two-year-old boy, and we had never parented at all. It felt like we were all in the middle of this humongous learning experience together.

You know, I'm Googling what does a two-year-old boy eat for dinner and things like that. And so not only are we trying to learn, but these kids are essentially dropped off at a stranger's home and told, okay, feel comfortable here and go to sleep, you know. So lots of change there.

James: Yeah, it was definitely a non-traditional way to become parents. Most times for biological parents, if they find out that they're having a child, you know, you get a nine-month head start.

Abbie: Lots of time to prepare.

James: Yes. And for us, we had about six hours. So going from zero kids to two kids in the home was a big adjustment for everyone involved. You know, our kids were adjusting to a new home, a new place to sleep, new foods, new friends at daycare. And then Jen and I were also adjusting to what our marriage looked like now with kids and trying to make sure everyone had what they needed. So it was a big moment of change for us.

We ended up having that first placement for four months and then had a time in between and took on a second placement with two little brothers. They were two and three when they came to us. They stayed with us for close to 18 months. And with them, we really got to experience a couple of different, I guess, age ranges and really got to see the changes in the boys over time. We went through some fun of potty training, but then we also went through some hard times with big emotions. So we witnessed a lot of change.

Jen: Yeah. And I think also just the difference in the two placements too, you know, we went into the second one thinking, okay, we know what to expect. We've done this before. We have done the whole, you know, go to court, figure it out, work with bio parents before, but we obviously had never had a placement that went that long.

And so having to work through change and what we thought our life was going to look like over those 18 months, because initially we were told it was going to be a nine month placement. And so it ended up being longer than that, which gave us the opportunity to celebrate two birthdays and two Christmases and, you know, do all of the fun things that two and three year olds should be doing.

But it also came with once the case was extended, we tried really hard to push for making sure that our boys got to see their mom pretty regularly. But with that came the tension of, okay, now we're co-parenting with someone we've never met before. and trying to keep some semblance of this is how it works at our house. And this is, you know, just making sure that we're all on the same page while just making sure that our boys understood that they have so many people that love them. And so many people, you know, whatever your title is, it doesn't matter that, you know, they have adults that care for them wherever they're sleeping that night.

But yeah, lots of change, like James said, changes in our sleep schedules and changes in , you know, what does it look like to be a working parent when you have sick kids and Also for our families, right? Like our immediate families and our extended families really expanded. And just I think about it sometimes as our families are stretchy. And so they kind of stretch to just make sure that our boys always felt like they were included.

James: And I think for me, just the fact that we haven't been parents before our time in foster care, I learned a lot about myself. I would say going into it, I always thought that there was a right and a wrong way to parent.

And I think you have to step back and say that you got to give yourself a lot more grace than that, because there are people growing up across the world and have a very different home life than, you know, what I experienced as a kid, what Jen experienced as a kid. And just knowing that at the end of the day, we were able to provide a safe space for these kids who really needed it during a time that their parents needed a moment to work on themselves and get back on their feet.

It was a really cool opportunity for Jen and I to learn that. And just looking back on our two placements now, I can say without a doubt that I changed myself because each individual is different, each parent's different, and each kid is different. So what works for your home might not be the same as what works for your neighbor or someone else in your community.

Jen: I think we also had a lot of interesting conversations about our parenting style through foster care, because unfortunately people have opinions about how you parent. And it's a very different approach for children that you don't know what their backstory is, right? You don't know what the first however many years before they came to your house were like and where those habits came from or where those behaviors came from or things like that.

And so, you know, for example, there may have been some things that we let go because they were small potatoes compared to the things that we were actually caring about and actually working on in our home. And so, you know, to James's point, I think just learning that there's not necessarily a right and wrong way that it has to be tailored for your child in that moment. And it changes per child, right, over a period of time. The way that we parented the first two months that the boys were at our house compared to the last two months is very different because they trusted us and we trusted them by that point. Whereas at the beginning, it was kind of this little dance we were all playing of, okay, are you going to be okay? All right, I'm good. Are you good? So I think we changed as people and we changed as parents over time too.

Abbie: Yeah, I think that at this point in CosmoParenting, people having listened through 11 months of this, that'll make a lot of sense to them. Two of the other themes we've already done are Structures and Adaptation. And those two have kind of really emerged of like, you have to talk about those in the same breath because you can put structures in place. And like you talked about, it's so important for children for you to put structures in place: this is how we do it in the home. Here's shared expectations we can all be aware of, and you can't be overly structured. You can't come in holding too tightly onto a plan or an idea of what “right” parenting looks like because you're going to have to adapt. And that's in my experience of like facilitating this podcast, the best skill that I think people who are parenting could develop for themselves is this ability to take in what's going on around them, pay attention to what's happening inside themselves, pay attention to what's happening for children that they're parenting and make a decision based on what works for them.

Because there's a lot, a lot of stories out there. Like you said, people have a lot of opinions about what parenting should or shouldn't look like. But if you can kind of break out of that and, you know, kind of recalibrate your shoulds and shouldn'ts to be about what works for you, not what other people think should work.

Jen: Yes.

Abbie: Then I think that seems really, really important.

Jen: Yeah. And I think with that also comes with, you know, a change that we experienced was how you build your family, right? Like for us, you know, you're always taught growing up, you get married and then you have babies, right? And that's how you build your family. And that was not our path, right?

We had a period of infertility and we went into foster care knowing that, you know, we couldn't have children of our own without science. Right. And so going about parenting in that way, again, is one of those shoulds and shouldn'ts is, are you sure you want to do that? Are you sure that this is the way that you want to parent?

And, you know, now once this podcast comes out, we'll have a six-month-old baby girl through IVF, which is incredible. And I think that our experience through foster care will certainly shape the way that we parent this baby.

James: Absolutely.

Jen: And the way that we approach parenting in general and what a gift it is to get to raise our own biological child with just the experiences that we had through foster care.

Abbie: Oh, well, thank you for sharing about change and wishing you the best as you continue to navigate change. And thank you to everyone for listening.

Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in the series. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode in the CosmoParenting Substack. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you and we will see you next week to explore some parenting best practices.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

Today, we are beginning a new month and new theme, so this is our ‘Appreciate’ episode, where we introduce the theme and offer questions to reflect on that help us appreciate where we are and where we’ve been. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: This month- this last month of CosmoParenting- is about change. Two truths about change that we want to highlight up front are: (1) change is necessary for growth and (2) change is inevitable. 

Change is perhaps the greatest constant in parenting. The age your child is right now will change and with it, what they need from you, and how you relate to each other, and how you interact with them- all of this will change. You as an individual will change, your perspectives will continue to shift, and your relationships will change, the stories you tell to and about yourself will change. So, if you can accept change as being inevitable, then I believe you can stop wasting energy trying to fight that truth and instead find joy, and love, and connection at every changing step of the way, knowing that it will change, but trusting that you can create that joy, love, and connection wherever you go.

And, as we reflect back on this year, that is what CosmoParenting is about. You will notice by now that we haven’t ever said, “do this one thing and you will be a good parent forever!” because it just doesn’t work that way. Instead, what we have really tried to do (and I hope we were successful in) is we tried to offer tools and perspectives and new language and ways of thinking about your parenting that you can keep with you in times of change and uncertainty. This is kind of our way of trying to helping create order in chaos- in the chaos of change- and we hope we can help you do that improvising confidently into unexpected or new or changing situations. 

If we want to grow, and learn, and be better then we absolutely have to embrace change. The question of CosmoParenting has been, what does it mean to parent for you? And I imagine that over the course of this year, what it means to parent has changed for you and it will likely continue to change. We've explored so much about relationships this year. The relationship you have to your child, but also the relationships we have to ideas like change, like perspectives, like stories, like conflict.

So as we wrap up this last first episode, I want to send you on your way the rest of this month with that at the forefront of your mind, that it's all about our relationships and that we have choices. We have choices about how we relate to things like change. So I hope you'll take that with you as we wrap up with these last couple episodes this month.

And as we wrap up this episode, I'm going to offer you questions to reflect on for yourself. I am going to ask the questions here, but you can also find them written in the show notes of this episode, and in the Substack. 

1. What major (and minor) changes have you experienced in your life? Try to name as many as you can to take stock of the change you have already lived through.

2. What kind of relationship do you hope your family can have to change?

3. How can you use everything we have learned so far to better navigate change?

Okay, those are the questions I am leaving you with today. I invite you to spend some of your time after this episode ends and throughout your week reflecting on these questions and your responses to them. I also want to point you toward the additional resources we have available for free at www.cosmoactivities.com and encourage you to do some of that reflecting on the CosmoParenting Substack so you can be in dialogue with our community. Community can be a great constant as we navigate change.

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the CosmoParenting Podcast. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you, and we will see you next week to hear a parenting story.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Communicate’ episode, in which the fourth episode of each month we will wrap up our theme by offering some ideas for communicating with your children, co-parents, or whoever else might be a part of your parenting, to start having conversations about the things you are learning here. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined again by Nana Bonsu. Nana is a qualified social worker, family and systemic psychotherapist, and systemic supervisor. Nana is the director of relational practice in Camden, and she’s worked in children’s services for over 20 years. She is also parenting two teenage sons. Hi, Nana. Thanks so much for joining me again today.

Nana: Hi, Abbie. Thank you so much for having me. It’s lovely to be here on this journey with you. I feel like we started out some time ago and here we are today. So, thank you.

Abbie: Yeah, lovely to talk to you one last time for this Communicate episode. So much to reflect on… And front of mind for me this month is- with this being the last episode of the month- is last week’s episode. Stephanie offered us the ‘5-5-5 Strategy’ for perspectives. And I found that so valuable because I had really been thinking about relationally how different people might have different perspectives.

But this strategy pointed me in the direction of how my own perspective might change over time because she’s, you know- to refresh people- it was, you know, kind of how might you feel about this in five minutes, five hours, five days or five days, five months, five years. You know? Just giving yourself some time perspective that way.

And so I think it’s really beautiful that we’ve kind of talked about perspective in both of those ways this month. So as we’re kind of wrapping up this being the last episode of the month, is there another way you want to talk about perspectives or something you’d want to add to what we’ve already talked about? What is your perspective on perspectives and parenting Nana?

Nana: Yeah, I mean, I think that’s such a great question. And also I enjoyed listening to that podcast, thinking about that ability to spend the time and to think beyond the here and now. I think that’s quite important. And I think in regards to parenting, I think what I know is that there are many ways in which one can view an experience, whether that’s positive experiences or challenging experiences.

And I think what I’ve learned through my parenting and supporting other parents is how you have, if you talked about communities in one of the podcasts and how you bring communities around you to help with that ability to see things from a different lens.

And I think when you’re in the moment as a parent, it can be hard to hold on to difference because it might be that you’re feeling that you’re right.

It might be that you’re feeling you have to act in the moment right now. It might be that you’re feeling that if you don’t do what you think is right, there could be some difficult unintended consequences.

So the ability to draw on others and to learn from others and to think and position yourself differently, I think are really crucial elements of parenting because each stage of parenting, I think, will evoke different things. And that ability to be able to be fluid and hold on to different ideas, different perspectives, I think that’s really important.

Abbie: That immediately makes me think about the definition that I like for dialogue being sharing your own ideas, perspectives, stories, you know, kind of standing firmly in that and being profoundly open to let others do the same.

Nana: Yeah.

Abbie: Because that to me is this idea of you are allowed to have the perspective that you have. And you have it for good reason, because it’s built out of the stories that you’ve lived and what you’ve internalized and the context that you come out of. And other people are allowed to have their own perspectives too. And so it doesn’t necessarily have to be a conversation of right or wrong, but about how can we kind of coexist if we have different perspectives. And I think the real tools here for parents and anyone in life is like imagination and curiosity about yourself and other people’s perspectives.

Nana: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s so key because I think if we’re holding on to this notion that you want children to be able to exist in the world, to have a voice and to be able to share their thinking, their inner dialogue. You have a great opportunity to model that and to teach that. And so coming alongside a child and asking them to explain why they may have behaved in a particular way or what may have contributed to their decision, even if you don’t agree with it, you’re beginning to understand the logic of the other.

And I think in parenting, that’s a really important skill to teach children that they’re able to reflect and be able to think of different ways of acting or being. So I think that ability to demonstrate that you can hold that tension with, you may not agree, but you can listen and you can try to understand.

You can still have a position because as a parent, often one is in a position of trying to protect, safeguard, and to think of the wellbeing of a child. But I think enabling and developing those skills around multiple ideas and perspectives will hold children in good stead, particularly when they’re not under your supervision or gaze and they’re in spaces and places where they need to think for themselves, they need to make decisions about how they act.

Being able to draw on a multiple range of ideas is going to be, I think, a positive way of being in the world rather than getting stuck into patterns. And I think patterns often can be limiting because we don’t draw on other ideas and we get stuck because we think this is the only way.

And we’re not, as you say, curious about interrogating: where do those ideas come from? What’s contributing to our thinking? And is there a different way that I can orientate and position myself?

Abbie: Yeah, you talking about getting stuck brings me back to our month and our theme on Moral Forces. And I think that to kind of combine these two, a lot of people, a lot of parents and even non-parents, you know, maybe there’s experts out there, people that are, you know, trying to maybe sell something, have a perspective on what you should or should not do as a parent.

And I think that can be unhelpful for people because there’s so many perspectives being thrown at parents about what they should or should not do. How do you navigate that?

Nana: I think that’s such a good point. I think the demands on getting it right, the demands on not making mistakes can be quite challenging. And I think there’s something important about being able to not feel overwhelmed. May it paralyzes you because you think that actually... If I make any decision, it’s not going to be right.

You have to make a decision. And I think for me, there’s something about teaching myself as a parent and teaching others that you’re making the decision that you thought was best at that time, given everything that you had at your disposal.

And be kind to yourself. I think its so key. You will make mistakes. You will get it wrong. You will maybe, looking back and say to yourself, I acted too quickly. I didn’t allow more curiosity. I think that’s normal and I think it’s okay. I think it’s the ability to keep on learning and keep being open to learning and recognize the contributions that your children can give you.

You know, I always get kind of… what’s the word I’m looking for… humbled when my children offer a perspective that I haven’t thought about or they hit the nail on the head and they and they they call it right. And I think that’s another thing that’s really important about how are you enabling as I said earlier your children to develop their repertoire of skills what are the conditions that you’re enabling for their voice to be heard and their contributions and you’ve allow that to be part of the home environment experience.

Because outside of the home, the ability to negotiate, the ability to collaborate, the ability to have an open mind are such fundamental skills about how one can exist in the world.

Abbie: Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah, you’re again, taking me back to how we talked about rehearsals. And you know, that modeling really is such a big part of the parenting. And that kind of works well for this, you know, CosmoParenting podcast that it’s about kind of learning for yourself as you’re trying to maybe teach your children. So there’s, you know, learning going on on both ends.

And I like this image is coming to my mind of thinking about like you said you know you you’re you know holding your own perspective like with open hands is this image that’s coming to me so it’s like you’re holding space for yourself and the perspective you do have but you’re not clenching tightly to it so that it can never change yeah from the people you interact with your children and the ideas that they bring to you know kind of what you’ve just said so, Nana, I just, yeah, I love that.

Nana: That’s where I’ve often seen parents becoming somewhat stuck or there’s conflict where parents hold on to their position too tightly that they’re not enabling any feedback.

They’re not enabling any curiosity. And when a child experiences that, they can lose hope, they can lose connectivity, they can lose a sense that their voice is just as important. So not holding on to your position too tightly, I think that’s a really good kind of takeaway, Abbie.

Abbie: Yeah, yeah. Oh, I really enjoy what we’ve talked about today, Nana, so thanks for this and thanks for all the episodes that you’ve participated in. It’s been a wonderful year and we’ll hear from Don next month so just giving you one opportunity as we wrap up is there any last thing you’d like to say to people listening about our whole CosmoParenting experience?

Nana: I mean I think it’s been marvelous that you’ve been able to curate so many different voices to think about parenting in a very practical way a theoretical way using ideas from CMM, I think are very enriching.

And I think what the ideas show is that they have direct applicability to lived experience. And they’re not ideas that are so abstract or so far away that you can’t use them in your life. So I’m really glad that I had the opportunity to contribute to this podcast. And thank you so much for having me.

Abbie: Yeah, thanks for being a part of it. And yeah, bringing all of this to life with us. Glad that you could join me today and all the other days. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too. Don’t forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources and this series. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We’re so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we will look forward to joining you next week for the first episode of our last theme- Change.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

This is our ‘Animate’ episode, where we offer some strategies to integrate into parenting so you can bring to life the things we talk about here on the podcast. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined once again by gifted educator Stephanie Higgs, to offer us a best practice from a teacher’s perspective. Hi, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hello, Abbie.

Abbie: So, Stephanie, we have spent this month discussing perspectives. What is the strategy you are offering us for this theme?

Stephanie: Abbie, as we are nearing the end of our year-long exploration of universal themes, it’s really beautiful to see the way that they all tie in to each other. That is the whole idea behind a universal theme; it should be something that we see everywhere. The strategy I’m going to share today is one of my all time favorites for people of all ages. I know I’ve probably said it before, but I really mean it this month. And when you hear it, you’ll think how beautifully this would fit into several of our universal themes from conflict to regulation to this month’s topic of perspectives. That is the beauty of there universal themes! They are everywhere and they are interconnected. Today’s strategy is so special that after I used it with one of my very young students, this kiddo went home, hours and hours later, told mom how effective the strategy was and asked her mom to use this anytime that she was feeling upset. 

So here we go. Allow me to introduce you to the ‘5-5-5 Strategy.’ It’s as simple as this: when someone is feeling dysregulated, we can ask them to evaluate how much this will matter in 5 minutes, 5 days, and 5 years. Oftentimes, we become dysregulated because we are in conflict with someone based on different perspectives or considerations. The ‘5-5-5 Strategy’ allows us to identify, name, and honor the validity of our feelings before determining how much emotional currency we want to invest. By asking ourselves if this is a 5 minutes, 5 day, or 5 year issue will help us to better regulate the intensity of the emotions we spend here. 

As we reflect on that current perspective, we can ask ourselves what our perspective will be in 5 minutes, 5 days and 5 years. We can do the same for any other stakeholders who might possibly be involved in this conflict. If we assume positive intent, we might find that this is a 5 minutes frustration, but when we do the math and we say, well, okay, it’s tuesday… five days from now… by sunday this will be a long distance memory, we can sometimes talk ourselves out of a situation becoming a larger issue than is warranted.

On the other hand, we do sometimes experience issues that will be 5 year issues. There are careless remarks made to us in childhood by teachers, or peers, or parents that we often remember well into adulthood. So, it very well may be a 5 or more year issue. And offers us additional legitimacy to the depths of our feelings or perspectives. 

Abbie: Stephanie, all of this is good, but I’m especially glad that you made the distinction you did right at the end there. That this practice is not about minimizing the feelings of the experiences we have. This practice is not supposed to talk you out of feeling like things are a big deal when they are, it is just meant to help you determine, like you said, how much emotional currency- and I love that emotional currency language- how much of that you want to spend in a moment.

I hear a lot of people talk about “picking their battles”- in a lot of situations, but especially parenting- and I think this is a great tool to help you do that, going back to the decision making of parenting. And also, you can adjust this practice for your needs I think. For kids, a better 5-5-5 might even be 5 minutes, 5 hours, and 5 days and that can be just as useful, too.

Also, relating us back to this month’s theme of perspectives, this tool broadens our perspectives in a few ways. We can use it- like you said- with others, like our kids, friends, or other family members and better understand another person’s perspective. But also, we can consider our own different perspectives across time. We don’t only have one perspective that never changes. We are always learning so our perspective is always changing. And we can use our imagination here in this practice to empathize with others ,but also with our future selves.

So, Stephanie, thank you so much for joining me today! And thank you to everyone listening for joining us as well. You can connect with Stephanie on Instagram @littlemissgifted and you can check out our other CosmoActivities and additional resources at www.cosmoactivities.com. We are so grateful to be on this journey with all of you. And we will see you next week for the final episode of the month where we will talk communication on the theme of perspectives. 

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This is our ‘Validate’ episode, where in the second episode of each month we hear a parenting story, with the hope that sharing the first hand experiences of others who are parenting can make you feel seen and validated in your own experiences. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Liz. Liz, thank you so much for being a part of this.

Liz: Aw. Thank you so much for inviting me, Abbie. It's my first time being part of a podcast. So I'm in equal measures, nervous and excited. But yeah, really grateful that you asked me to come along.

Abbie: Oh, I'm so grateful that you wanted to be a part of this. And as you know, this month is about perspectives. And I'll share that the way we've talked about perspectives so far, we're making generalizations about them saying, what are some things that are true about perspectives?

And so what we've talked about so far is that there are infinite perspectives and also that many different perspectives can coexist at the same time. So I think our work this month is about learning to open ourselves up to other perspectives that the people in our lives bring. So with all of that in mind, Liz, please share with us your story about perspectives.

Liz: Okay, thank you. Yeah, that is a lot to hold in mind. And it really makes me think about how big this idea of perspectives is. So maybe I'll start by just saying a little bit about my situation before I go on to talk about how perspectives have got me thinking about my family. So I am a wife and a mother, and I'm a mother to two sons who are my birth children.

And about two years ago, we started the process to become SGO carers, myself and my husband. And for those people who may be listening and not in the UK, an SGO carer is someone who has a formal responsibility over a child who isn't theirs by birth.

And it was my husband's nephew who we initially applied and now have become SGO carers for. So we have now three children who we are parents to. And thinking about the idea of perspectives really sort of came to the fore when our nephew came and joined our family, because he came with a perspective on the story of his life.

And he had been removed from some quite difficult experiences in his household, things that were not okay between him and his mum. And quite sadly, before my nephew joined our family, his mum died. And one of the things that we noticed when he joined our family was that lots of people around him had given him lots of perspectives on his mum dying, lots of different stories about his mum dying.

And so he came and he had a story about his mum dying, which really rubbed quite difficultly against the sort of stories that we tell within our own family.

And maybe I'll give an example of what that looked like. So our nephew, he was only, he had just turned three when he joined our family. The story that he'd been given was that his mum had died and she was living on a cloud in the sky. And I think this is a common story that often professionals tell children. And I think this is a story that he had been told by his social worker. And certainly when I spoke to other people within the extended family, that wasn't the story that they would have been telling him. But the one that he had held on to and was bringing into our family was this idea that his mum had died and was on a cloud.

And I hadn't quite realised it, but I think in this respect, my family are quite concrete, I guess, in the way that we think about death right so you know if you were to ask my children, my birth children, about their granny who's died or their auntie who's died they would be saying that, you know, they're no longer alive, they're buried, they're no longer with us, and we miss them, and they're only alive now in our memories. And so when he came with this other story it was you know a real challenge to us to think about what do we do with that.

Do we offer our perspective on it? Would that confuse him? Is that helpful to him? How do we create a household that can tolerate not multiple perspectives, but almost perspectives that are almost like the opposite of each other?

So that was something that we really struggled with. And as he's got older, he started to question more and more that story that he was given by his social worker. And that's creating all sorts of questions for him that we've had to spend quite a lot of time thinking about and wondering how to answer for him in a way that is helpful.

I think, I guess, because of my training and I'm a social worker, but I've also trained in family therapy, love ideas that come from CMM I can totally embrace the world of the multiple perspectives, the multiversa, I think children find it harder. And maybe for my nephew who has had so much uncertainty in his life, he's drawn towards something much more certain, much more concrete, and, yeah, the idea that there are so many different stories that are around about his mother dying has given us some real challenges in knowing what to do for the best.

Abbie: Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing that story. And it's making me think about with every theme that we're talking about throughout CosmoParenting, it is this kind of dual experience happening at the same time that we're trying to walk through of, okay, for people who are parenting, what is your own relationship to something like perspectives? To something like stories, to something like conflict?

And at the same time, as you're navigating your own relationship to it, how can you help your children navigate their relationships to it? So I'm curious about what that's been like to navigate your own relationship to differing perspectives as you also help your children do the same.

Liz: Yeah. And I think it's more than dual when you are a parent of a child who isn't yours.

Abbie: Yeah, that's a great point.

Liz: You know he is mine and I feel like his parent, but I’m also acutely aware that he has a dad who, although isn't caring for him, is still around and is alive. And he has a particular perspective on his ex-partner dying. And he wants me to tell the story in a way that represents how he remembers his mum.

The grandparents are around. So it's my husband's sister, who is my nephew's mum. And the maternal grandmother, of course, has such an emotional hold over the story that is told about her daughter.

And so it's not just that sort of dual perspective, it's the multi-perspective. And it feels like there is a great responsibility on us because we are the ones who are doing the telling for him to be able to accommodate all of the hopes that other people have about, you know, what they want my nephew to know about his mom and the way that she died.

So you asked about how we navigate and negotiate that. And I really don't know. It's something that we're honestly still grappling with. There are times, I think, where we find ourselves sort of closer to one person.

So as time has gone on, I found myself becoming closer to my nephew's grandmother. And as I've come to learn more about what has become important to her, in the telling of the story for her grandson. I guess it's sort of come more into my consciousness or the way that I try to intentionally tell a story that is helpful for my nephew. So that's made a difference.

Abbie: Yeah, I really appreciate this perspective on perspectives. And what I hear you kind of getting at is you can't talk about the perspectives that you're engaging with without talking about the human beings that are bringing those perspectives to you and the relationships you have to them.

Liz: Yeah. And it's just, it's always evolving. And I'm like quite conscious that we know we're recording this today but at the time that it's going to be played I'm going to be listening back to this and thinking, oh my goodness my ideas have changed so much!

Abbie: Yes!

Liz: And the way we tackle this is so different and you know I'm going to be telling this story so differently I think when this airs.

Abbie: Yeah yeah, and that that transitions us easily into the next theme which the very last theme of CosmoParenting is going to be change so it makes sense that the perspective would flow right into that. So, Liz thank you so much for sharing your story today I really am thankful that you would be a part of this with us.

Liz: Oh, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you. It's actually been really helpful for me to have a little bit of time to think about this too.

Abbie: Yeah. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us, too. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series, and be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We are so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we will see you next week to explore some parenting best practices.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

Today, we are beginning a new month and new theme, so this is our ‘Appreciate’ episode, where we introduce the theme and offer questions to reflect on that help us appreciate where we are and where we’ve been. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: This month is about perspectives. As we introduce perspectives, we want to recognize that there are infinite perspectives to be taken and multiple perspectives can co-exist at the same time. 

I think this theme is such a great reminder, because we can go about our days and get so ingrained in one way of thinking, or doing something, and we forget that there are multiple perspectives on everything. That people are showing up with different experiences and backgrounds and ideas.

And a great way to think about perspectives is to consider this, kind of, visual that is really helpful. Consider that you are standing looking at a house. And let’s say you are supposed to decide whether or not to tear the house down. You are looking at the front door, so you can see a porch, maybe some windows. And you can walk up to the house using the sidewalk. And from where you are standing, the house is in great condition.

Someone else, with a different perspective, might enter the house through the backdoor. Maybe their lives lead them- for whatever reason- to approach the house from the other side, so they see things you don’t. And maybe they saw mold and parts of the structure rotting away. You would likely disagree about the state of the house and what to do with it. And like we talked about in the conflict theme, neither of you are wrong about what you saw or how you came to see the house, you just have different perspectives. So, if you don’t explore each others’ perspectives, if you don’t ask the other person to take you to the back of the house and show you what they have seen, then you probably would think they are wrong, and you would remain firmly in your decision without having the whole picture. There’s really something we miss when don’t explore other’s perspectives and we don’t hold space for them. And this can go on and on because maybe someone else comes in through the window or someone else has been in the basement and seen more things you haven’t considered yet. There are infinite perspectives to be taken.

A parenting specific example is thinking about how you choose to parent versus how others choose to parent. It can be easy- not just in parenting, but in life- to look at what others do and judge them, believing they are wrong for choosing to do things differently than you, but they have their own perspective that is different than yours, yes, but not necessarily wrong or bad. I think the best way to engage with multiple perspectives is to use curiosity as much as possible.

When we are so committed to seeing things through one perspective, hearing other perspectives can feel a lot like a threat to our safety, to our ways of life, to our ways of being, and knowing, and understanding; however, if we can remind ourselves that there is space for many perspectives, many ways of being to exist at the same time, then it doesn’t have to feel so threatening to open yourself up to hear other perspectives and other stories.

If we can do this then, for example, when the father or your child’s friend expresses disapproval for something you are choosing to do in your parenting, you don’t have to feel objectively wrong, or worry, or argue even about which one of you is right, you can hold space for both yours ways of parenting and be curious about it. Perhaps explaining why you make the choice you do and asking him why he makes the choices he does. We can offer curiosity to each other and expand our perspectives and our understanding in a really meaningful way.

Wrapping up this episode, I want to offer some questions for you to reflect on for yourself. I am going to ask the questions here, but you can also find them written in the show notes of this episode, or on the Substack.

1. What does it feel like for you to consider making space for other perspectives? Does it feel scary? Threatening? Exciting? Interesting?

2. Consider what was modeled for you in terms of expressing curiosity (or not) about multiple ways of seeing things. What do you hope to model for your children in terms of being open to many perspectives?

3. Where in your life can you actively seek out new perspectives right now?

Okay, those are the questions I'm leaving you with today. I invite you to spend some time in reflection after this episode ends and throughout your week thinking about them. I also want to point you toward the additional resources we have available for free at www.cosmoactivities.com. And I also want to encourage you to do at least some of your reflecting on the CosmoParenting Substack so you can be in dialogue with our community. It's really simple to just leave a comment under this episode on the Substack, and it's a great way to experience different perspectives.

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the CosmoParenting Podcast. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we'll see you next week to hear a parenting story.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Communicate’ episode, in which the fourth episode of each month we will wrap up our theme by offering some ideas for communicating with your children, co-parents, or whoever else might be a part of your parenting, to start having conversations about the things you are learning here. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined again by Don Waisanen. Don is a father to three boys. He's a professor, a consultant, author, and improviser. Hello, Don. Welcome back.

Don: Hey, Abbie. Good to be back.

Abbie: So today we're talking about order and chaos, and I'm especially excited to hear what you have to say on this topic, since you've shared with me that you experience a lot of chaos in your life as a parent and maybe in many different roles as well.

What Stephanie added for us this past week was to talk about some ‘Mindfulness Strategies.” So I think what she was really referencing was kind of this internal ordering chaos that can happen.

Don: That’s Right.

Abbie: Yeah. And so she's given me a lot of great language that I wasn't as familiar with before around like dysregulation and regulation strategies. That's something she thinks about a lot as a gifted educator. So I'm curious to know what you would build off of that as far as how people that are parenting could be communicating around order and chaos.

Don: I love that, by the way, about regulation and dysregulation and recognizing those moments where human biology is getting in the way of the ability to communicate well and to grow and develop.

And I think if anything, I just piggyback off of that, anything I've learned about regulation and, you know, when kids’ brains are really flooded, as well, is that you have to wait and hit the pause button.

Sometimes things are so chaotic with kids that in order to have any kind of order, the best thing you can do is hit the pause button, say, let's come back to this later when everybody's a little bit more regulated and executive function is a little more available up there.

And that way we can reflect. Sometimes you just pour gas on the fire sometimes with trying to approach chaos with reason, especially. So I love this framing of order and chaos. I think it encapsulates, I would say, anyone who's in a parenting role of some kind, this is a big part of life.

And especially when kids are screaming and things are going awry and they don't know what to do. They're flooded. Trying to maintain some kind of resilience in the face of that is key. One of the things I've learned and, you know, I obviously talk a lot about improvisation. I think it's one of the most important skill sets any of us can continue to work on throughout life to improvise well, not just to improvise, but to improvise well, adapt well in situations. I think it's really important to accept the chaos in a way.

About seven years ago, one of my kids got really sick, we were in the hospital. And I remember thinking at the time that improv was some of the best training I'd had for that because I could have railed against the reality. I didn't have to like it. I didn't like it. No one liked it. You know, my heart went out to my kid, especially. And the effect on our family was huge. But I did go, this is what what is right now. And let's work with it. Let's have some resilience, some bounce-back-ability amidst the situation, bad situation.

So I think that ability to improvise through chaos can kind of help bring order to some very difficult life situations. Being comfortable not knowing, being able to sit in uncertainty and ambiguity and find the hope of we're going to find a way through this is really critical.

One of my favorite bits on this is a guy named Peter Gray. He has a talk on YouTube. He's an anthropologist and he looked at structure and unstructure in the lives of children across societies. And I think of this often when I think of order and chaos. What is it to bring, I would say, structured spontaneity to parenting and to our kids' lives? Just enough structure to improvise on, but also allow room for disorder, unstructure, unstructured time. And he says that a lot of kids' lives have just become completely overscheduled. It's parents running them to music class and to sports and all these things where it's really the rules and situations set up by grownups at the end of the day.

Here, go inhabit this versus that kind of go out and play and run around the neighborhood and find what's under that rock and do things of your own will. And I just think about that a lot because I do think there's a lot that's happened across societies with this where kids' lives are too ordered.

Abbie: Mmhmm.

Don: And so when we say order and chaos, it's almost like, oh, order is good. Chaos is bad. Right? But I often wonder if it's actually the other way that kids lives are far too structured and ordered and we should allow some room for chaos.

Abbie: Yeah, absolutely. I think it makes a lot of sense. And you're speaking to something that I think will feel true for a lot of people that when presented with the idea of something like chaos, the kind of first place you would go is, well, we should limit that chaos, or we should control that chaos, that the answer would be to control the chaos. Because like you said, we maybe have this story, this assumption that chaos is bad.

Don: Yeah.

Abbie: But what we're asking people to do is kind of pause and question that assumption. And instead, when faced with chaos, not try to control the chaos. I mean, you know, again, not to say that there's never a moment you need to control the chaos and rein it in. Sometimes chaos is something that needs to be controlled.

Other times, like you're saying, especially in parenting, especially with kids in their lives, chaos is something that you can be, how am I conceptualizing this chaos right now? How am I relating to it? How am I acting into it and doing the reflecting on yourself a little more?

Don: Yeah, there is the side that's just Lord of the Flies, right?

Abbie: Yeah, we don't want to minimize that either.

Don: It's completely running things themselves. You know, that was a whole great book for a reason. It was TV show spinoffs. But I do think there's something to that. And I'll say I'll say one last thing on this, which I was really impacted recently by this book by Nick Obolensky called Complex Adaptive Leadership. And I think there's applications to parenting here.

He says, and I've done some exercises around this with different groups, that the more you go from simple challenges to more complicated challenges to complex and then chaotic challenges, the more you go in that direction, the less traditional forms of leadership and authority will work. And this is a very powerful idea for 2025 and moving into the future, because I think with parenting challenges to go, yeah, we play authority figures. We have power. And you and I have talked about that a bit, but literally the more chaotic things get, the more away from order we get, the less traditional authoritative parenting might work. The more you need to collaborate with your kids to find solutions to things. And that introduces a, the need for communication structures, which help us all. And I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It seems to be a truism for our organizations as well as our personal lives and parenting, especially.

Abbie: Mmhmm. Yeah, I love that. I think a really great note to leave people with, I think, leaving people with lots of things to think about in terms of ordering chaos in their lives and their parenting. So thank you, Don, for what you shared today.

And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for all our other resources in this series. Those are all available for free. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. Great way to be in dialogue with our community and learning from each other. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you and we will see you next week for the first episode of our Perspectives theme.

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This is our ‘Animate’ episode, where we offer some strategies to integrate into parenting so you can bring to life the things we talk about here on the podcast. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined once again by gifted educator Stephanie Higgs, to offer us a best practice from an educator’s perspective. Hello, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hey, Abbie.

Abbie: So, Stephanie, we’ve spent this month discussing order and chaos. What’s the strategy you’re offering us for this theme?

Stephanie: The overarching idea that I want us to think about together today is the idea of regulation and dysregulation. Some of us automatically think that dysregulation only involves those negative feelings, emotions, attitudes, and behaviors. The reality is that dysregulation can also involve overstimulation, being super excited because we just ate a giant sugary cupcake or unable to sleep because tomorrow is our favorite holiday. Anything outside of that calm, regulated state is dysregulation and it might change what we need in any given moment. 

I saw a post on social media that just immediately gave me empathy for every parent and caregiver out there. And it was talking about, you know, when a parent or a caregiver raises their voice at a child, a lot of times that is really a signal that that adult is not having their needs met and that they are dysregulated.

And so, you know, they're lashing out more than they mean to or that there's more of an emotional response than they would ideally be giving in that moment. But it really is just such a signal of kind of an underlying issue in their own dysregulation that perhaps whatever this child has just done has really kind of been, you know, kind of the icing on the cake there. But I just I love that idea of just really thinking about where we all have moments of dysregulation and what we need in those moments. And that also that dysregulation may be a sign that our needs are not being met.

And so it’s this idea of what are a couple of mindful practices I can rely on in any dysregulated moment? Whether it is: “I’m so excited, I’m graduating high school today, and I have to find a way to sit through this ceremony before I get to go to the fun celebration” or maybe it's the opposite: “I’m super angry and stressed out, how do I regulate so that I can make more clear and thoughtful decisions?”

‘Mindfulness Strategies’ help all of us reach a more regulated state. There are tons you can research online such as square breathing, grounding practices, etc. One that I'd love to share with you today is appropriate for kids and adults and my favorite aspect of this self regulation tool is that it’s discrete. You can do this at your office, and your kids can do this in the classroom. It’s a ‘Counting Strategy.’ When trying to self regulate, you can challenge yourself to count how many of a specified shape you can see nearby or even a color. For example, how many circles can I see from where I am standing? How many red objects are in this room? One other object for further exploration, is to google digital calming rooms. We will include in the show notes a link to my favorite, which features a curation of several. Whether you are watching a tank of jellyfish or looking at an eagles nest, shifting your mind’s focus away from the cause of dysregulation can bring a sense of calm. 

Abbie: I love this practice that you’re offering us and how you are shifting my thinking even about order and chaos, that yes, there can be order and chaos externally in our lives, in our relationships, in our homes. But oftentimes that's a reflection of chaos happening internally within our own minds, and bodies, and hearts. And so it's great to have a practice that can help us tend to both of those.

This makes me want to share a little about my own experience, too. I exist in my head a lot, I feel like. As in, I try to intellectualize things. So, when I’m feeling dysregulated, my first instinct is to try to reason or logic my way through it or out of it by telling myself why actually everything is okay, or I shouldn’t be feeling how I feel. But, how I would say it is that my body doesn’t speak that same language. Logic and reason don’t usually reach our physiology. So, these practices like deep breathing, holding a cool ice cube in your hand or on your face (this is a favorite of mine that a friend taught me), or body scans like we talked about during the conflict theme, all these things that get you out of your head and into your body are incredibly powerful tools. So, the way through a moment of chaos is not always to think your way through it, or control your way through it, but to feel our way through and really tend to our physical experiences of a moment.

Stephanie: Abbie, you say things beautifully, but one of my favorites was when you mentioned during that previous episode, the ability to sort of read and listen to the language of our body. I just thought that was such a beautiful and kind of poetic way to say that. But I think that a lot of us, as fast as we're moving in these current years, in the 2020s, I think life moves at such a quick pace that oftentimes it can be really challenging to be attuned to your entire body- the physical, the mental, the spiritual, the emotional. And so I just think that this is such a great reminder for us to employ some of these routines and strategies to keep our bodies a little bit more regulated, as well as our minds and our emotions.

Abbie: Yeah. Thank you for joining me today, Stephanie! And thank you to everyone listening for joining us as well. You can connect with Stephanie on Instagram @littlemissgifted and you can check out our other CosmoActivities and additional resources at www.cosmoactivities.com. We are so grateful to be on this journey with all of you. And we will see you next week for the final episode of the month where we will talk communication on the theme of order and chaos. 

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Validate’ episode, where in the second episode of each month we hear a parenting story, with the hope that sharing the first hand experiences of others who are parenting can make you feel seen and validated in your own experiences. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Melanie, who is a parent to one teenage child. Hello, Melanie. Thanks for being here.

Melanie: Hi, Abbie, and thanks for having me on your CosmoParenting session.

Abbie: I’m so looking forward to hearing from you today about Order and Chaos. So just broadly, Melanie, what’s your story around order and chaos in your parenting world?

Melanie: So first of all, my little parenting life is about 18 years old. And pretty, let’s just say, a just normal family with dad, mom, and then obviously the now teenager.

And my partner then passed away last year, which was quite a sudden change in the family dynamics. Also, four years ago, my mom suffered from a serious stroke. So there’s another change that was in. And my support system seemed to have just fallen…not fallen away completely because yes, we do have other little structures in place. But yes, my main man was not there anymore. And it left me in that place of being, so what next?

So that’s pretty much my world and how that dynamic had changed. And that was, I think, the greatest chaos in our little world.

Abbie: Yeah, yeah, that certainly sounds chaotic. And I think people can probably imagine that feeling. And, you know, our very last theme of this year is going to be ‘Change.’ And I think that is- I’ll, you know, save that conversation for that time- but it does, you know, overlap with this ‘Order and Chaos’ conversation a bit in terms of using it as a lens and really trying to learn to be flexible and adaptable, because there are things in your family life that you just absolutely cannot control. And so it can’t be ‘Order’ a hundred percent of the time.

Melanie: Yeah. No, absolutely. So, I’m just thinking, too, that I very jokingly say that we have a daily dance that starts the morning. Which even in that very day after I now woke up as mom alone in a home, it was waking up, having that coffee.

So, obviously, the teenager is of the age where she joins in on that coffee. So having that coffee, regardless of the mood, there’s a little bit of music going. Whether the teenager’s grunting or whether there’s a bit of light conversation or serious conversation, that’s how the day will start.

And that is a saving grace- just having a little bit of routine and not veering from that routine too much. Yes, things do happen. But that routine has just been something that made the start of the day, start of every day, it just gave it that I know what I’m doing. Sometimes I need to go on autopilot and that just does help.

Abbie: Yeah, I imagine that that is helpful for both you and your child to create smaller moments of order within a larger feeling of chaos. I’m curious how you relate to that of this like dual experience of teaching or helping your child through a chaotic time at the same time that you’re also helping yourself through it and experiencing that same chaos.

Melanie: So I’m saying that order, it’s for me too. I said, that’s my morning dance and routine. So regardless of whoever is around me, I need to start my day like that.

There has to be the get up. And I think I’ve been doing this for years. I get up, it’s bathroom routine, it’s get dressed, make up the bed, go down, have a coffee. But I’m one of those bodies, as well, that my mouth opens and works and the brain starts going before my feet hits the ground.

Abbie: Yeah, yeah.

Melanie: So that was a big glitch in the thing is I didn’t have anybody to yap, yap to. So, I now have a little journal next to the bed. And I still greet Ishclor every single morning, but I just write it in the journal. So for everybody, not just because of this chaotic situation that now came about in our life. It’s been something I have been doing. Probably didn’t notice it up until this time. It was just, you know, you just do things. You go on autopilot. You’re a single body. You don’t think about anything else.

Now it’s made me think. Even now there’s an extra element to the getting ready. It’s getting ready for mom and the carer’s day, ensuring lunches and all the snacks are all out before I can head off and do my thing. So it’s just being aware of those little tools or skills that you’ve already been practicing.

Just think about what you have been doing and realize that you’ve actually got your own answer there. It’s just something you haven’t quite locked in as, hey, this is a tool in my kit. And I think this past year and a bit has actually made me realize that I have got something. It definitely has its purpose.

And I’m thinking the teen is also now kind of picked up on that morning routine. Coffee is like a, we have to. We have to have your coffee. We have to have a breakfast. And then you head out for the rest of your day, whatever it may be.

Abbie: Yeah, you referenced your mom earlier. Are you caregiving for her?

Melanie: So we are all in one home. So mom is there. I’m full-time carer.

Abbie: I just want to bring this up as something that I think we’ve kind of touched on in a couple other stories so far this series, but not really gone into the specific (again, using the lens of this month)- the specific order and chaos of even though this whole CosmoParenting is about your identity as a parent to a child, you are also still the child of a parent while you are also… so you’re in this kind of in-between.

I think that’s an experience that a lot of people have trouble navigating of balancing these demands on either side of your life of you as a parent and your own parents and not everyone’s parents live with them. But, you know, a lot of people I think probably navigate similar situations to you. And what I’m hearing and what you’re saying is that in all of these things that pull for your attention, particularly now that all of the responsibility rests on you as a single parent, that it’s really important for you to have that moment to connect to yourself before you can connect to your other relationships in the most meaningful way.

Melanie: Yeah, you know, that is… it’s definitely a true point that I know I don’t often have the chance to have much time in a day to have it all a Mel thing. So another thing is driving to work. And there’s a lot of breathing that goes on. And I speak to Ishclor.

So I don’t have a radio in my car, so I would perhaps either just hum something myself or I have conversations with myself. I am a bit of a talker. But that’s all little bits or points of sanity savers that helps me. I said, actually speaking to you, it’s like, oh, okay, so that must be another tool.

Not quite aware of it, but it is just in conversation and sharing with others you realize that- hey, I have got something. I shouldn’t feel too lost. I just need to hone in on those things and remember that I’ve got it. I have got it.

And once you do, be intentional about practicing it again.

Abbie: Mmhmm. Is there anything else generally you want to say to parents listening about order and chaos?

Melanie: I would think that especially when there’s a young adult involved. So my teen is 17 years old and it is amazing that they move from being this child totally in need of you to this child who is now in a space to support you.

Do not underestimate your teenager. One instance was I wasn’t feeling well on a weekend. The first time I was really ill, I needed to be shopping. I was caring for mom. But I needed supplies in the home. And this child was like, mommy, the online shopping app…

It was like, oh, my heavens. That easy. That easy!

So, yes, you have that teen. They’re just bulging between child and adult. But there’s a little voice of reason in there, too. And just remembering that they are watching you as you are parenting them. They are picking up little things that sometimes you lose sight of along that journey. But they are sitting taking notes.

And I start to think- Oh thank heavens I have a child that actually knows what to do. When I don’t know what to do. And then obviously, there’s my saving grace. So yes I’m thankful that.

There are times that I think I am a reasonable parent. And those demonstrations. It rubs off on the teen, so I believe I am leaving little nuggets of good parenting skills and however it is displayed or demonstrated in their life later on it’s there. So that’s a little bit about the order and chaos in my life.

Abbie: Yeah, that was so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that on the end, Melanie. And thank you for sharing everything you have today. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too. Don’t forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We are so grateful to be on this journey with you, and we will look forward to joining you next week for our ‘Animate’ episode.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

Today, we are beginning a new month and new theme, so this is our ‘Appreciate’ episode, where we introduce the theme and offer questions to reflect on that help us appreciate where we are and where we’ve been. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: This month is about order and chaos. These are original to the universal themes that Stephanie uses in her classroom, and we thought it would be really interesting to explore them for CosmoParenting. The two generalizations we have come up with for order and chaos are: (1) order and chaos are reciprocals and (2) order and chaos can be natural or constructed. 

We will encounter periods of both order and chaos in our lives, inevitably, so I think it feels helpful to consider the relationship between the two. Order can feel really good, but too much order might feel restrictive; and in a similar way, chaos can feel overwhelming, but a little bit of chaos in your day might make it exciting and interesting if you can lean into it. As a parent, I imagine you already feel intimately familiar with the struggle between order and chaos that probably happens in your life every single day. So, the question you might ask yourself is about the amount of order and chaos you experience and how you can strive to find balance.

In some ways, I am thinking about this as an extension to both the power and structures themes that we have already done. Like how we talked about having structures in place being helpful for your children to navigate new situations, having some order in your home and in your lives can be beneficial for everyone. 

I’m also thinking about order and chaos in our world and in our societies, so beyond just our families and our homes, and this is how it ties back to power for me. There are a lot of ways that the society we have built for ourselves lets us down and there is need for change and action and involvement so that we can build the kind of social worlds we want for ourselves and our children. And sometimes that rebuilding can look and feel very chaotic, but it’s important that we do things like question authority and reflect on and unpack the systems we exist in. 

Again, I hope to emphasize your personal power in relationship to order and chaos, still. Even though we said order and chaos are reciprocals, and in definition they are true opposites, that doesn’t mean they can’t coexist or even work together meaningfully. 

Another way to talk about order, is to talk about how we create order or how we put something in order. In other words, this is about sense-making. How do we make sense of the world around us? And how do we make order from chaos?

There is so much more to say about order and chaos, and I'm tempted to get ahead of myself, but I'm going to move on to our reflection questions now because we've got three more great episodes this month to really continue unpacking this.

So for now, I'll just prompt you with these reflection questions. Like always, I'm going to read them here, but you can also read them in the show notes of this episode, or on the Substack if you’re wanting to return to them later this week. Just two questions for today:

1. Where is there order in your family right now? Where is there chaos?

2. Where can you embrace order in your life? Where can you embrace chaos?

Okay, those are the questions I am leaving you with today. I invite you to spend some time in reflection after this episode ends and throughout your week thinking about these questions. I’ll also point you toward the additional resources we have available for free at www.cosmoactivities.com. Those are our social emotional resources for children of all ages. So it is a great addition to CosmoParenting as you invite your children to be learning alongside you.

I also encourage you to do at least some of your reflecting on these questions in the CosmoParenting sub stack. You can comment right on this episode so that you can be in dialogue with our community. Sharing stories is such a powerful thing, and so I invite you to participate in our community, share your own stories, and hear from the stories of others and let that teach you as well.

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the CosmoParenting Podcast. We are so grateful to be with you on this journey. See you next week to hear a parenting story.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

Today, we are wrapping up our second three themes of the year with our ‘Relate’ episode, where we will dive a little deeper into the relationship between the previous three themes- Relationships, Moral Forces, and Conflict.

Let's begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Anokh Goodman. Anokh is a systemic psychotherapist and a father himself. Hello, Anokh. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Anokh: Oh, it's lovely to join you today, Abbie. I'm really looking forward to just jumping in, having a bit of a dance together just with some of these ideas. So yeah, great to be here.

Abbie: Yeah, great to have you here. I'm particularly excited to have you for this conversation, which is the third of its kind. There's only four episodes like this throughout CosmoParenting, and that is our ‘Relate’ episode, where we are trying to draw some connections between the themes that we have explored so far.

Today, we are reflecting on power, structures, and communities- our previous three themes. Anokh, what do you see the relationship between power, structures, and communities as?

Anokh: Yeah, I mean, I think it's a great question because I think hearing narratives and people's connection to these concepts- power, structures, communities- was incredible, really. It was nice to kind of hear them brought to life. But I think maybe one of the questions we don't ask so much is what is the relationship between them?

I guess it makes me think of if they were objects or if they were things, what would the conversation be between these things? It makes me think about what's the space between them? Is there a big gap between them?

You know, thinking about power, I think Michel Foucault said power is everywhere. So it influences, kind of, everything. Then it makes me think, well, is community everywhere? Is community just an idea that we've constructed or we've kind of commodified?

Because I hear the word community a lot in my work. I think I've never heard it so much recently over the last few years. We almost think, well, what is community without communing? So is community just something we say?

And again, you know, if there's power without community, there's a risk of domination, I think. You know? So we can ascribe kind of meanings of what community is- it can be a lived story for ourselves or is it one that we've been told kind of what community is?

So for me, the sort of relationship with power and community, I find really interesting. Equally thinking about structure without power. For me, that might become like a hollow routine in a way. I think you asked some great questions around, like, what's the purpose of the structure? Is it the structure for structure's sake?

Abbie: Right.

Anokh: Equally, we could have structures around community, how we become a community, how we are being a community. So these structures and rituals- I think some of the people on the episodes were talking about rituals and ceremony- and I guess I'm really interested in how maybe power can be ascribed to certain rituals.

But maybe for me, I'm more interested in my own life, you know, what power do I connect to rituals as opposed to the ones that are already preloaded? I think for me, personally, in a family setting, when I think about families and my own family, I don't think power is like a throne that, okay, someone sat on that throne in that family or in that organization, whatever it is.

For me, it's more of a thermometer, maybe. It's a way of checking the collective temperature. And it does exist everywhere, as opposed to it only sits on that throne, if that makes sense?

Abbie: Yeah, I really appreciate the way you're starting to talk about these three together because it's making me realize that the beautiful thing about having four episodes about a topic is that my understanding of the theme really changes over the course of that month. And even so, I'm realizing that, I think, that whole month I was really talking about power as something that a person has or does not have. And what you're offering here is a think about what power do we give to things like structures or communities in our lives?

And so I'm thinking, yeah, this relationship is a two way street between things like communities and power- being in community can empower us, having structures that positively shape our day and our daily lives, that empowers us.

And what power are we giving to the structures we have in our lives? What power are we giving to the communities? And so I like this kind of like cyclical relationship of one generates the other in a way.

Anokh: Totally. Yeah, absolutely. Like, I love the film Wizard of Oz. So I'm often talking about the film. But, you know, that's a journey to acquire power from the powerful person, which is the wizard at the time, who's a charlatan, basically.

But there's something of the power being in the journey. So it makes me think of a family- that it might be power by doing certain things, by going certain places, by achieving certain things. Or is the power in the journey of them people? You know, the scarecrow, we think of the lion, it's actually embedded in the journey, yet we're told that it's a place we go and then we get the power, we get the certificate to tell us we're smart or we're valuable or we're powerful.

One of the things I wanted to bring really that really stood out to me was the relationship between sort of structures and community and power for me- I'm quite a visual person so it made me think of two ideas you know one is like a sometimes we think like a tree-like structure we think of like a family tree so there's that, you know, the roots, the branches, and it builds up, but for me there's an interesting idea it's by Deleuze and Guattari- they talk about rhizomatic ways of connecting and what that means is I guess rhizomes are sort of different plants and some of them plants will spread and survive harsh conditions by developing roots and shoots all over the place.

So, what that means for me is community can be… it can kind of emerge from all sorts of different places. I don't think it's always this kind of one dimensional, hierarchical, tree-like system it might be just sometimes networks just spreading up all over the place, you know, and I just think that's, yeah, it's a more realistic way to look at family life.

One person in the show was talking about- I can't remember the phrase- it was really it was really interesting, but it was you know seeking community from different people to have different kind of conversations with her son.

And I thought that's that rhizomatic networks emerging out of the soil, you know, not just a one plant, tree growing upwards, but actually loads of stuff, you know, giving the soil nutrients.

Abbie: Mmhmm. Yeah, I really appreciate that visual metaphor because it's something that I think about; these episodes in particular are an answer to something that goes on by the nature of the way that we've set this up, which is every month we're focusing on one theme.

And so it kind of maybe treads a dangerous line of slipping into like each of these things are disconnected. So you put your parenting and communities lens on, and then you put your parenting and structures lens on when really they are interconnected.

And so I see the same metaphor that you're talking about as all of these themes might look like an individual plant from the ground. If you're looking at like a garden or a forest, maybe you have 12 trees and they're each of the themes and they look individual, but if you go under the surface, they are deeply intertwined.

And so that's the purpose of this conversation to say, well, let's look at roots part. We've been looking at the trees part- which are beautiful and valuable- but what's going on in the roots and how these are interconnected? So, Anokh, as we wrap up what last things do you want to say about power structures and communities

Anokh: Yeah, absolutely. It makes me think that you know when we look through different lenses the image of what we're seeing is stained by previous lenses so if we are looking at through different lenses- power, community, structures- then when we do that process our eyes are stained by what we've seen previously. Similar to flowers- you know, if I was smelling 10 different flowers, my nose and my scent will be influenced by what has previously been smelled and it will kind of collide and combine.

I've written like a really short piece, which I'll just read and it sort of connects to some of these themes. So…

Power in families is less a crown than a rhythm—sometimes steady, sometimes stumbling. Structures root us like trees, yet life keeps growing rhizomes, spreading sideways, wild and alive. Community is the wider chorus, the soil that holds both root and branch, tangle and bloom. And in all this, parenting is less about control than about co-creating meaning—shifting patterns, weaving new belonging, moment by moment.

Abbie: Anokh, thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you so much for sharing all the perspective you have today and for joining me. And to everyone listening. Thank you for joining us as well. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series. And be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you, and we will look forward to joining you next week for the first episode of our ‘Order and Chaos’ theme.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Communicate’ episode, in which the fourth episode of each month, we will wrap up our theme by offering some ideas for communicating with your children, co-parents, or whoever else might be a part of your parenting to start having conversations about the things you're learning here.

Let's begin.

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Abbie: Today, in an unexpected turn of events, it's actually just me again. We were supposed to be in conversation with Nana today, but she was unable to make it. So, I'm taking this opportunity to do something a little different.

It's kind of ironic that it's on the communities theme where you're just hearing from me, but here's how I'm approaching this- this whole podcast has been an opportunity for me to share conversations with people who are in my community, people who I love learning from and want to pass that learning along to you.

But it's not just all of these people who have been therapists forever, or educators forever, or communication scholars for their life's work that we can learn from. So, as you just listen to me do just a little bit of musing on communities on my own today, I really want to prompt you to think about your communities: Who are the people that you love learning from? And how can you seek out some more learning, particularly around communication and communities?

This month, what we've talked about so far is the different ways that community can be created, the different places that community can be created- virtually, locally, etc.

Then we heard from Jenni about the very intentional ways that she invites others to offer their perspectives to her child because she recognizes her own inability to answer every question or her own lack of certain experiences that her son will have.

And then last week, we spoke with Stephanie, who offered us the language around ‘Glowing and Growing,’ both in how we contribute, how we give to our communities, and how we receive from our communities.

One of the things that's been striking me about communication and my work recently is this idea about how much of what we learn about communication is by accident. We're always learning something about communication as we interact with other people. We take kind of subtle or more explicit cues around what's okay or what's preferable in terms of how we interact with each other. But how much of what you've learned and then in turn implemented into your communicating is intentional?

I'm thinking about this week and thinking about the ways you might invite your fellow community members, whether it's fellow parents, people that live in your neighborhood, people that you might be connected to online through various shared interests or hobbies, your own family, I think, can be a community as well, maybe like extended families or friends in that way, individually or in groups. I wonder what a conversation could look like for you within your communities about naming the things that you want to be and you are maybe already being intentional about together.

This question that's at the heart of CosmoParenting and more broadly, cosmopolitan communication is a question of what are we making together? and what do we want to be making together?

So I think keeping it simple this week, turn to your community and engage them in a conversation about what you want to be- and what you already are- making together. Naming and recognizing together what means a lot to you is such a great practice because then you can use that for the future of something. Maybe you're not feeling like you're being intentional about something yet, but if you can name it together of, hey, it means so much to my family when you invite my child over to play with your children. It means so much to our family when we get together on a weekend and all of our families can spend time together. It means so much when we can come together to put on an event for the neighborhood or offer childcare for other parents in our community.

There's things that I think really highlight the idea that not only do we shape our social worlds, but our social worlds shape us too. And so think about that cycle of shaping and being shaped by your communities and the ways that the people in your community interact with each other.

Yeah, I think that's a great practice if it's something you feel like you have space to do. And if you don't necessarily feel comfortable having more explicit conversations like that, I just invite you to wonder about that and be curious about why that might be and find small ways if you want to maybe start having some of these conversations, naming the unnamed things and making the invisible visible in your relationships and communities.

So I think I'll leave it there today. Again, you've heard a lot of wisdom from my community of people who I just adore and cherish the conversations I've been able to have here. And so I want to send you off this week into your own communities and seek out learning there as well, because there's so much learning that can happen in your own communities that could never be replicated on a podcast like this. So let's just celebrate both of these kinds of learning today and this week.

Thank you so much for joining me for this slightly different episode today. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series, all of which are free and all of which cater to slightly different age groups. So everyone, children and people of all ages can get in on this conversation. And also be sure to comment on this podcast episode, maybe even more than others-

What learning are you doing in your community?

What wisdom does your community have?

And share that with the rest of us so we can all keep learning from each other.

So you can leave a comment on the CosmoParenting Substack under this episode. And we would love to learn from you. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we will look forward to seeing you next week for our third ‘Relate’ episode, which will be on the theme of Communities, Structures, and Power.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

This is our ‘Animate’ episode, where we offer some strategies to integrate into parenting so you can bring to life the things we talk about here on the podcast. Let’s begin.

*music*

Abbie: Today, I am joined by gifted educator Stephanie Higgs, to offer a best practice from a teacher’s perspective. Hi, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hey, Abbie. 

Abbie: So, Stephanie, we’ve spent this month discussing communities. What’s the practice that you’re offering us for this theme? 

Stephanie: This month I am sharing one of my favorite resources that is super general and can be used in lots of different contexts. It’s as simple as the reflective practice of ‘Glows & Grows.’ 

So, when we think about ourselves as both giving and receiving within a community, I invite you to think about two aspects. First, where are you glowing? Brag about yourself! Where are you utilizing the many incredible resources that your community has to offer? From the local library to your neighborhood park, are you taking full advantage of the community resources available to you? Conversely, where would you say that you are glowing in pouring into your community? Each of us has so many unique, rare, and special gifts as individuals and our community needs us! Where are you glowing in regards to leveraging your time and other resources to give back? 

I would also invite you to consider some goal-setting and thinking about where you could grow in terms of community involvement. This could be as simple as “you know what, six months out of the year, our downtown offers a first friday filled with local merchants, and entertainment, and goods and I’ve always wanted to go and I’ve never made it a priority. I want to be sure I’m taking advantage of this community resource that I have yet to check out.” Plus, you can invite others to participate with you and grow the community even more! We have so much to give and to receive from both the small and larger communities of which we are a part. It’s fun to reflect on where we are glowing and taking advantage of these resources, but also setting some tangible goals where we can continue to grow and give back or access additional offerings within our communities, both big and small. 

Abbie: So well said, Stephanie. I really don’t feel like I have a lot to add to this. But what I will reiterate is that communities can form in many ways, and not all of your communities have to center around your children and connections you’ve made through parenting. Because for as big a job as parenting is in life, it is never the only role or relationship we have. So, although these strategies are a lot about parenting, nine months into this podcast, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that these strategies are even more widely applicable than just in parenting situations. For example, when you’re juggling a lot, taking care of yourself might not be something that you’re doing. So this glow and grow exercise can be really important in looking at your own self care. In what ways are you glowing or taking good care of yourself? And what are some concrete things you can do to take better care of yourself? 

Well, Stephanie, thank you so much for joining me today. And thank you to everyone listening for joining us as well. You can connect with Stephanie on Instagram @littlemissgifted and you can check out our other CosmoActivities and additional resources at www.cosmoactivities.com. We are so grateful to be on this journey with all of you. And we will see you next week for the final episode of the month where we will talk communication on the theme of communities. 

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

This is our ‘Validate’ episode, where in the second episode of each month we hear a parenting story, with the hope that sharing the first hand experiences of others who are parenting can make you feel seen and validated in your own experiences. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: Today, I am joined by Jenni, who is parenting a currently 17-year-old child. Hi, Jenni.

Jenni: Hi, thanks for having me.

Abbie: Thanks so much for being here. As you know, this is our theme about community. So what we've been talking about so far is the way that community is created, the way we show up to it, and then what we can provide and what we can receive from community. So with that in mind, could you share your story about community?

Jenni: Absolutely. So my son Noah is 17. He'll be 18 in December. And it has always just been the two of us. His dad's not been part of his life. Except it hasn't always just been the two of us because it's been a really lovely group of people who love both of us very much almost since before the beginning.

So when Noah was born, I lived in Chattanooga and my family was in Memphis. And so I had to cultivate pretty quickly people who were willing to love and care for my child. So the baby, like, we had a bunch of babysitters that were wonderful. A lot of them were teachers at the daycare. So they all had keys to my apartment and I drove a company car, but I drove a different car every day. So I'd leave my car seat at the daycare. And then that way I could just pick it up when I picked him up, which was great because when I got stuck at work, I could text that group of people and say, can somebody take Noah home? And somebody would. And there were nights when I got home and he was already bathed and either in bed or almost in bed because that's what we needed.

So, I'm a very independent person in that I don't like to rely on other people. But parenting is very humbling because you cannot do it on your own. And if you try to do it on your own, it seems like it might be to the detriment of your child. So one place where we intentionally invited some people into the role of helping to educate and raise Noah was around sex and sexuality.

So when you're raising a child of the opposite gender by yourself, there's a lot of questions you can't answer. There's even questions you can't anticipate because biologically, you're just very different. So when Noah was little, probably five or six or seven, maybe, he started having questions about his body, which I've always been very open and encouraged him to feel free to ask me anything.

As he got older, those questions got further out of my frame of reference. And so one of the things that we did is he and I sat down and we thought about some men that he would feel comfortable going to with questions. So out of the people that love us, he came up with three people: the principal at his elementary school, a friend of ours, and the husband of a friend of ours.

So then I got to go to those people and ask them if they would be his “penis people,” and if he could come to them with questions about his body and about sex and sexuality. These are people that I trust to give non-harmful answers, and they all very kindly accepted the invitation. And that way he knew that he had people other than just me and my parents that he could go to. And I also think it brings in other perspectives. So one of the men that he named is gay. And so he was able to go to him with some sexual identity questions in a way that I don't know that I could have answered for him, or at least I would not have answered them the same.

And so it was really helpful to have other people who could help carry some of the load, but also bring different perspectives to it. And I think Noah's growth as a person was helped by it.

Abbie: I think that's such a beautiful story. And I hope encouraging to other people who are parenting, who are listening, that there are people out there that want to be generous with their time and energy. And if you can kind of cultivate that in your communities, like you said, it's really necessary as you're parenting. I really appreciate you sharing this story with us today.

Jenni: Yeah, absolutely. I'm happy to.

Abbie: Thank you. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us, too. Don’t forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for our other resources in this series and be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We are so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we will see you next week to explore some parenting best practices.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting. 

Today, we are beginning a new month and new theme, so this is our ‘Appreciate’ episode, where we introduce the theme and offer questions to reflect on that help us appreciate where we are and where we’ve been. Let’s begin.

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Abbie: This month is all about communities. We first want to offer two truths that will guide us in our conversation this month, like we always do. And this month our truths are this: (1) communities can offer support, resources, and connection and (2) communities vary in size and can change over time.

We are social creatures, and our ancestors have always lived in tribes and relied on each other. But community doesn’t always just happen, especially now in our disconnected modern world. So, our real question this month is: how will you seek out community for you and your family? 

First, I’d like to invite you to take a moment and think about a time when you felt a strong sense of community. Maybe it was on a sports team in school, or a friend group that you’ve known for years, maybe it’s among the other parents at your child’s school, maybe it’s none of those things. Again, every individual and every experience is unique, so the examples I share in these episodes are not meant to be prescriptive or to say this is the only way. There are many ways to parent like there are many ways to live, and although everyone listening might be parenting, you may have had vastly different experiences growing up and being parented. So, maybe you have never really felt a strong sense of community. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t cultivate it for yourself now. 

Community is about a give and take. So, think about what kind of support, what kind of resources and connection do you need? But also, what kind of support, resources, and connection can you offer in return? By creating, maintaining, and engaging with communities, we are acknowledging our own interdependence and really living into that as a strength rather than a weakness. It is beautiful to rely on each other and to make ourselves available to be relied on.

Thinking about that second claim that we made, that communities vary in size and can change over time, something that I imagine you will know to be true, but may watch your children learn for the first time, is that communities change over time. Friends move away, people grow apart, new time commitments change relationships. While we help walk our children through these experiences and the feelings that come with them, you may walk through them in your own ways, too. 

I think one valuable thing for us to remember and to teach children is that there are so many avenues to build community- it doesn’t just have to be who lives in your neighborhood. With technology, we can build global communities. Community can grow around a shared mission or belief or around a shared love of something. And you can be a part of many communities at a time, both large and small, both local and virtual. And the support and connection you give and receive will look different in different communities.

As we wrap up this episode, I want to offer some questions for you to reflect on for yourself. I am going to ask the questions here, but you can also find them written in the show notes of this episode, or on the Substack. 

1. Where did you find community growing up? 

2. Where do you find community now? Where can you cultivate community where it doesn’t yet exist?

3. What are existing communities that you can join, rely on, and contribute to?

Okay, those are the questions I’m leaving you with today. I invite you to spend some time in reflection after this episode ends and throughout your week thinking about these questions. And I invite you to do some of that reflecting in conversation with others. Thinking through these questions is great, but talking through them out loud is wonderful as well. And another space that you're welcome to do your reflecting is by commenting on this episode in the CosmoParenting Substack. That is a great example of a community that you can contribute to and rely on.

I also want to point you toward the additional resources we have available for free at www.cosmoactivities.com. There you can find all of our other resources for kids of all age. So those are great activities to pair with what you're learning in CosmoParenting as you invite your children to learn along with you.

Thank you so much for joining us for this episode of the CosmoParenting Podcast. We are so grateful to be with you on this journey. And we will see you next week to hear a parenting story.

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Abbie: Hello and welcome to the CosmoParenting Podcast brought to you by the CMM Institute for Personal and Social Evolution. In this space, we invite you to see yourself as someone who is curious about and actively participating in creating your own meaning around parenting.

This is our ‘Communicate’ episode, in which the fourth episode of each month, we will wrap up our theme by offering some ideas for communicating with your children and co-parents, or whoever else might be a part of your parenting to start having conversations about the things you're learning here.

Let's begin.

*music*

Abbie: Today, I am joined again by Don Waisanen. Don is a father to three boys, as well as a professor at the Baruch College at City University of New York's Marxe School of Public and International Affairs. He's also on the Board of Stewards for the CMM Institute. He's a consultant, author, and an improviser. Hi, Don. Welcome back!

Don: Hey, Abbie, thanks for having me. Great to see you.

Abbie: Thanks for coming back. I’m looking forward to talking to you about structures today and see, kind of, what we can add to the conversation. Things that I have in mind as we are talking are the last episode I did with Stephanie where she offered the ‘Add// Subtract// Multiply// Divide” technique as applied to structures. And I really appreciated the perspective she brought because it is important to be reflecting in all these different ways. Not only do we need more structures? Do we need less structures? But let's reflect on the quality of the structures and how large are our structures? Can we break them down at all? Can we expand structures that make us feel really good as a family?

Don, I'm curious to hear from you. What's the communication perspective you have on structures in the context of parenting?

Don: I appreciate that distinction. I think that there's bad structures. Right?

Abbie: Yes.

Don: What we're doing in parenting is going, oh, I think I need to do away with that structure. So the idea of having quality structures, I think, is really important. And one that I have been thinking a lot about lately goes to something I've been interested in for decades is just the power of words as structures. As parents especially, the power of words, I think, is so important to our kids. We have some common understandings in and across societies that, you know, that's just rhetoric:

Walk the walk, talk the talk.

Sticks and stones break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Like there's a lot of language that people have around words don't do much. But actually, for us human beings, words are like rocks outside. They are physical, material things with impacts that we have in our lives. And I have to think I have this little exercise I do in classes where I'll put a bunch of words on sheets of paper in a physical classroom, such as, you know, one one word is happiness, and then, uh, cockroach. I'll put the word cockroach down, right? And then I will put the word God on a piece of paper. And then I will find out various participants in my class, what the full names of their mothers or fathers are, and I'll put that down and I'll have people come up and I'll say, stomp on the pieces of paper on the ground.

Just instruct them to do that. There’s happiness- Okay. I don't really want to but, okay, I'll stomp on that.

Cockroach- Yep. I'll stomp on that.

And we get to God and we get to the parents’ names.

And people stop.

And I have to say to them, but these are just words, just mere rhetoric, that's not actually your parent on the ground. That's just a word.

And they go, no, no, no, no, no. That's someone I revere. That's someone I respect. I would never do that. Right?

And it goes to show that words are so powerful. And we know about this from things like self-fulfilling prophecies, right? Pygmalion effect. When a student, for instance, is told over and over again, you can do it. You're great. And that kind of language is repeated over and over again, that they'll start performing into those words. Right?

The words are like a net that's been cast. On the other side, I love that the phrase I've heard for this is the Gollum effect, which I love. But it's when, you know, negative language is used consistently with young people- Oh, you're a C student. You're no good. Oh, you need to do better. That oftentimes they can take on that language and perform into that. And six months later, grades are going down. You can sort of see the effects.

There's so much research around this. So I just think this is a structure. The structure of words in our lives is something we need to take really seriously as parents.

Abbie: We're talking about structures in a couple of different ways this month. Like as I introduced, it was like, let's think about individual structures- you and I have talked about rituals, we've talked about practices that you can repeat, there can be daily structures.

And then I also want to think about the same word in a different way, structure as a more general, like, do you have a sense of structure in your family life, in your relationships?

And so I'm also thinking about a third kind of structure of like physical buildings, structures. And so thinking about how those get constructed physically and using that as like kind of a metaphor for what you're talking about of what are the “structures” that we're creating with our words?

How are we building up structures around ourselves, physical or relational?

I'm thinking about my own life and relationships and where needs for structures have emerged. And so the example I have of a really useful structure that I've integrated into my life is with my partner. We both feel very susceptible to like decision fatigue, if that's something that feels like we're overfunctioning and we're overburdened with making more decisions in the relationship.

And so it's, you know, again, a small daily “structure,” but it's really helpful that when we're picking a movie, we're picking somewhere to eat, making decisions together, one of us will pick three choices of places that we are saying, hey, these three, I'm good with any of these.

And then from that three, the other person will pick one. And that really helps us to both participate in an equal way. So neither of us feels like, oh, you're making all the decisions and leaving me out, or I'm making all the decisions and you're not stepping up. And so I think that's a beautiful thing that structures- healthy structures, helpful structures- can offer us is ways of making sense and ways of moving through a relationship that just feel better.

Don: Yeah. And they're invisible too, right? I loved your metaphor of the building there too because I think it gets to the heart of… this is called CosmoParenting, which a lot of it stems from cosmopolitan communication. What's that? It's fundamentally the question of what are we making together?

Because they're invisible, these structures, it's really easy to give up on, too. That's something I've noticed. I go, you know, we're trying to build these structures with our kids. And is it working? It's going to be working. I'm going to give up, you know…

But just to give you an example, the other day, my seven-year-old came up to us. It was Sunday. No, it was Monday. And he's like, we didn't do 14 hugs yesterday.

And I went, you're right. Now, what's 14 hugs? My family used to do it when I was growing up. But basically, it was like every now and then we get together. It's like a group hug. And we'd all like count to 14 as we hug. And it's kind of cheesy. But I was like, you know what? That's a little structure. It was kind of fun. And we do it with our kids every week. You know, as you do it, you're like, let's do 14 hugs! Here we go! 14 hugs! And then the dog joins in now, too, which is really fun with all of us.

And it's one of those things you're like, well, what's the point of that? Like, this doesn't do much. But then my seven year old coming to me and saying, like, where was 14 hugs this week? You know, we're owed that.

OK, yeah.

These communication structures, repetition. Of just the word ‘14 hugs’ in our life is is really powerful reminder that we need this positive experience, even if some of us are like it’s a little cheesy, you know, like we're feeling that way. You know, this relates to research on priming, for instance. Priming is just the idea that when words are repeated over and over again, we start to form new mental avenues that didn't really exist before.

Do you want to do a quick, quick little exercise?

Abbie: Yep. Let's do it.

Don: So, Abbie, say the word silk five times.

Abbie: Silk, silk, silk, silk, silk.

Don: What do cows drink?

Abbie: Milk…

Don: No, I'm sorry, Abbie. It's actually they drink water.

*Don and Abbie laughing*

That's exactly it. It's like, oh, we repeated, there's a structure, structure, structure, and then we find ourselves, we're going down this mental avenue.

Abbie: Wow.

Don: Do you want to do more?

Abbie: Yeah, embarrass me further, please.

Don: Okay, here we go. Spell hop.

Abbie: H-O-P.

Don: Spell mop.

Abbie: M-O-P.

Don: Spell top.

Abbie: T-O-P.

Don: What do you do at a green light?

Abbie: Go, but I want to say stop! Everything in me wants to say stop!

Don: I know, I know. There we go. That's priming. That's priming 101. I think all of us parents can just be reminded of, we know words are important. They're way more important than we acknowledge. But at the same time, I think it's that repetition of words as a structure.

What am I repeating in my life to myself?

What am I repeating to others?

What am I repeating in my kids' lives?

This is something that all of us should be bringing further into awareness and practicing.

Abbie: Yeah, 100%. That is hilarious. It makes so much sense. And I think really reveals something that that is what a communication perspective is about, looking at communication instead of through it. And that distinction is so important because that's what so many of us do- we are looking through communication.

Like you said, it is invisible. It feels invisible. And so it's so easy to take for granted the power of the invisible force of communication, our relationship, the invisible force of words.

And so I love, yeah, trying to help people cultivate this practice of bringing that awareness to the forefront of their minds of these invisible things that create structures in our lives.

So Don, thank you so much for joining me today. So good to hear stories from you and play games. We'll be hearing from you again in future ‘Communicate’ episodes. So we'll look forward to that. And to everyone listening, thank you for joining us too. Don't forget to check out www.cosmoactivities.com for all our other resources in this series, and be sure to comment on this podcast episode on the CosmoParenting Substack. We're so grateful to be on this journey with you, and we will look forward to joining you next week for the first episode of our communities theme.

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This is our ‘Animate’ episode, where we offer some strategies to integrate into parenting so you can bring to life the things we talk about here on the podcast. Let’s begin.

*music*

Abbie: Today, I am joined once again by gifted educator Stephanie Higgs, to offer a best practice from a teacher’s perspective. Hi, Stephanie.

Stephanie: Hey, Abbie.

Abbie: Thanks for coming back again. We have spent this month discussing structure. What’s the practice you are offering us for this theme?

Stephanie: This is one that came straight from the brain of Stephanie and involves some self reflection as well as some reflection from the entire family unit. We’re going to take a little bit of time today to talk about the structures we have in place with a strategy that I made up called ‘Add// Subtract// Multiply// Divide.’ The heart of this practice is to evaluate the meaningfulness and efficacy of the structures we have in place. Where do we need more? Where do we need less? Where do we need different? So, let’s jump right in.

The first question I invite you to reflect on is the subject of what’s going to be a future theme, which is that of chaos. Where is a pain point in your current family structure? Is it the nightly fight of bedtime? Is it chores left undone around the house each week? Is it Thursday evenings because we have four kids who are each involved in what feels like 14 sports that all practice on Thursdays? Where do we need to add some systematic structures to alleviate the level of chaos we are experiencing? 

The second question is the opposite. Are there any structures within our family unit or our day-to-day life where we have such a strong structure in place that we’ve lost some of the joy or the magic in the mundane? The consideration here is: do we need to subtract a structure that simply isn’t working? While the intent of it was to bring order, perhaps there is a structure in place that has led to stress, chaos, resentment, or other negatives and it needs to be eliminated or subtracted. So, whether there is too much or simply because it just isn’t working, what structures do we need to subtract from our lives?

The third component is my favorite! This involves the family reflecting on our favorite structures within our family system where we want to multiply and copy paste the way those make us feel more frequently throughout the week. So, referencing Abbie’s example of dinner question prompts from the first week of this theme, if my favorite time of the week is when my parents ask me on Friday to tell them something good, maybe we need to multiply that and invite structured dinner conversation throughout the week so we all have thoughtful, intentional opportunities to share with one another. Where can we multiply the magic?

Last but not least, let’s think through any structures that can be divided, split up, or broken down into smaller parts. It is possible to be overly structured. And we might want to think through portions of our week where we have almost a mega structure in place that would feel more manageable if we could divide or chunk it into small parts. For example, if on Saturday Caregiver A is knocking out every single chore in the house but also trying to keep Child 1 and 2 busy and Spouse is staying out of the way but not super supportive or helpful. Could we divide that structure up? Instead of one person having all of that responsibility, could we give small bite sized tasks to Kiddos 1 and 2? Could Spouse or Partner help divide up some of those larger tasks to make it a less chaotic and stressful and more productive and enjoyable experience for all. So, where can we divide structures or break them down into smaller, more manageable parts? Perhaps it doesn’t have to be that everything gets done on Saturday. Perhaps we carve out 30 minutes a night or 20 minutes a night throughout the week and we do Floors this day, and Dusting or Spot Cleaning on this day, Dishes this day, Laundry this day. That way that mega structure of Saturday is kind of broken down throughout the week so that we do a bite-sized piece each day and then the weekends are a little bit more fun for everybody.

Abbie: Those are really great examples. I’m glad you shared those to help really make this strategy come to life for people. Creating structure is so important. But, as you just demonstrated, there is certainly a thing of too much structure. I know for myself that I thrive when there are clear expectations. So, people that are listening to this might feel that way for themselves and might have kids that are like that too. So, you and your kids might be the same like me. And even if you are not, that is the beauty of this practice and this whole podcast. What works for me might not work for you and that’s okay because it is all about figuring out for yourself. There is a reason that the strategies that you offer each month, Stephanie, are full of more questions than answers! And I really appreciate that.

I think structure can feel especially tricky for parents who are just trying to make it through the day. But, this ‘Add// Subtract// Multiply// Divide’ strategy feels really accessible, so I really hope people will try it out.

Stephanie, thank you so much for joining me today! And thank you to everyone listening for joining us as well. You can connect with Stephanie on Instagram @littlemissgifted and you can check out our other CosmoActivities and additional resources at www.cosmoactivities.com. We are so grateful to be on this journey with you. And we will see you next week for the final episode of the month where we will talk communication on the theme of structures. 

*music*

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